Blood Shame

What does my face
Look like when I cry?
Un-pretty, swollen
Blood red eyes.

I am five again,
And he is bigger
Than a mountain.
I am vulnerably
In blood shame.

I am a little girl
Naive and helpless,
But I am not her
Not anymore,
So how do I
Let her go?

She is just a baby
With innocent eyes
That cry too much.
I have to let her fly
So I can be alive,

But my heart breaks
Like I’m giving
My child away as I
Am here holding her hands
Over this cliff.

I tell her,
“Just close your eyes,
Baby girl,
And make a wish
Before I drop you
To your death,
Because I can’t
Keep carrying this
If I am to live.”

How to understand;
To explain it,
How the containment
Keeps me chained;
How she screams;
How I don’t
Want to kill her again;

How I’m afraid she’ll wander,
Lost and haunted;
How I hold on tight
Believing I can make
Everything turn out alright.

Here in this silent
Haunted desert
My spirit cries out in thirst
Dehydrated from the hurt.

Fingers feel poised on triggers
All pointed at me,
And I’m laughing through tears
Taunting, “Shoot already!”

If you can find
A clear place on a target
Riddled with wounds
I’ll be home soon
Inside my own domain
Where their hands
Can never reach me again;

Where I sleep under blankets
Made of color gradients
And sour doesn’t exist;
Where there’s no loneliness
Only music, dancing and bliss.

After I get done with this
Blood shame
After I let go,
Reclaim.

But right now
As I hide
I’m just five,
Barely alive and
Smeared in pain
As the ghosts
Call my name.