Kelly and I settle into our afternoon alone in my cabin, and we sit on the couch drawing on paper. We take turns reading sections of “Watership Down” to each other.
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All the world will be your enemy, Prince of a Thousand Enemies. And when they catch you, they will kill you. But first, they must catch you; digger, listener, runner, Prince with the swift warning. Be cunning, and full of tricks, and your people will never be destroyed.’ I read dramatically.
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Do you like living here? Kelly asks me out of the blue.
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I shrug. It’s okay. Do you like where you live?
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Yeah. She says. I would hate to have to wear skirts all of the time.
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I run my hand over my skirt, embarrassed. I feel like a dirty orphan in scuffed shoes. This is the third time in a row I’ve worn this denim skirt. I wish I could wear just jeans and cute shirts like Kelly, have golden brown skin from the sun, and run on a beach in a bathing suit like she says she does.
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Cult Child
𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈
VennieKocsis.com
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#survivorvoices
#venniekocsis
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I live inside the duality of there and here. I peer into the darkness, unabashed, bringing my light. I am spectrums of luminous color, grey to green and the morphing gradients in between.
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I have entered the hallways. I am exploring memory caverns. I am a scribe releasing the hive, battalions of drones who hold information being formed into my summation. Truth must release slowly so the absorbing doesn’t make us feel like we are drowning.
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Sometimes words can’t speak the feels we feel. Sometimes we need telepathy and audiology to describe what we see. There is a multi-universe revolving in me. Jumping dimensions isn’t all what it is chalked up to be. It takes silence and patient movement into the state of simple being.
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You think it’s hard living? Try letting your thoughts die into complete quiet. You will start a war inside your soul. The wandering remnants will struggle against your advancement. You only stand a chance when you believe your own voice. That is the key. Choice. The journey will become the storm which either shatters you or brings you home.
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When discernment enters into its highest realm, it has no enemies. It lives within a vast visual of solitary perspective and respective of opinion, you must take dominion of the nest with surety and precision.
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𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈
VennieKocsis.com
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#SurvivorVoices
#VennieKocsis
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#inmyfeelings
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My flesh holds the cells of my mother and my father, aching with generations of pain, struggle, worry and conversion. This life has been serious. Even in moments of laughter, beneath my skin I am captured by the still sadness of the dismal pools existing in the atmosphere.
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This is not depression. This is expression. This is not sinking into mires. This is the revealing the generations of liars using power to enslave the minds and souls of human hearts.
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My skin holds the music of my ancestors, played long before their spirit fell silent. I listen to the whispers in my cells, calling me home within myself. I am the laughter of beautiful babies and the tears of every hurting child. I am my own actions and my own accountability. My hands hold self forgiveness. My heart holds the love of infinite suns.
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𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈
VennieKocsis.com
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#survivorvoices
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#wearelove
#healwithin
It took me a long time to reconnect with the woman and the child within me. Who would she have been? I needed to know her, so I dove inside myself to find understanding. I did. I found her, and she is loving and good.
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This journey returned me to my own inner magic, the intuition and truth which allows me to face myself without shame. I have opened my arms to receive all of who I have been, who I am and who I am becoming. I hug this collective tightly.
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We must be our own inspiration. We must live our vulnerability without fear. We must be the courage which brings humans together, rejecting divisiveness and pain. We must heal, after all when the mother and the father heal, we heal our children’s children.
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#survivorvoices
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The human quest to discover the deep meaning of life is actually the journey we must take into our own biology, to read the cells of our body so we can fully find ourselves.
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What if you alone hold the meaning to your own life? Consider that this pathway is an inner pathway. It is a trek of traveling our neurons and cells, decoding and reading our own biology. What is our subconscious but the quiet and deep place in which our memory and understanding lives?
🧬
I do this work in silence. I sit, eyes closed, my body relaxed and comfortable, and behind my eyelids, I drop the outer images. I then wait for a portal to appear. For me, it looks like a colorful tunnel. Once I allow my mind to enter it, I fly over and into what I wish to discover.
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Trust your body. Trust your instinct. Trust your mind. These are your magic places. Your body loves you. It will gift you only what it knows you can process. There is no fear in going inward. Your body already knows how to protect you. After all, didn’t it protect your mind in times when you were being harmed? Trust that it will keep you safe now.
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𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈
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Art: “Half Human”
by @VennieKocsis
VennieKocsis.com
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#survivorvoices
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#youcandoit
#youarecapable
#youareworthit
#ibelieveinyou
Today, I vow to work on more self-forgiveness. It washes away remnants of guilt. It snips the strands of sadness for the inner child who was abandoned and her pains ignored by those who should have loved her. I am worthy of love from those who choose to love me.
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When my sister was a teenager on a cult compound in Alaska, she broke her ankle ice-skating. I remember how swollen and bruised it became, almost immediately. No one cares about a broken foot in a faith-healing cult. So, she was forced to work, limping for days and days, as her ankle healed misshapen. She now has a deformed looking ankle because of it.
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The stories of emotional and physical neglect for injury and illness are many, situations I experienced as well as witnessed happening to other children. These emotions are rising to the top as I heal my own pain.
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Today, I cried the tears of a little girl who, along with dozens of other children, lived with physical pain that no one around them cared about. We were slaves to other humans. We were mocked and berated, called liars and told to “suck it up, buttercup.”, disbelieved and unacknowledged as we worked from dawn till dusk in fields and kitchens, in spite of raging fevers, bruises and battered bones.
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Give it to God. They said.
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These tears create a portal to release the pieces of pain piles still sitting inside the heart of my inner child. There are pains we carry that can only be healed from within. So, I am on the inside of myself, sitting with this precious little girl who deserves all the love in the world.
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𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈
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Art: “Elite Hide and Seek”
Vennie-Kocsis.pixels.com
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#VennieKocsis
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#cultchild
This is American life. We go down sidewalks, and while looking down, amidst the fresh spills of Starbucks drinks, a heroin needle.
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I wonder when we will cease being this, the careless apathy toward the pain and hopelessness of our fellow citizens.
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Seeing this made my heart drop a bit. We are failing the hurting ones. We are ignoring their desperate cries for help as they drop dead. These are veterans and citizens who have in childhood, adulthood or both, suffered severe traumas.
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While I know that every human must ultimately choose their own healing, support and acknowledgment of the wounds they carry is astronomic. When we are in pain whether physically, mentally or both, and on top of that, people who should love us don’t care, we can find ourselves in a state of wanting to remove ourselves from the planet.
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Don’t be that. Don’t be the person who goes cold and treats others crappy. Don’t be the human who looks away from the drowning souls who desperately need us to notice them.
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#venniekocsis #drugaddiction #opioidcrisis #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #addiction #addictionrecovery #survivorvoices
What does a narcissist getting supply look like?
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Anything someone is purposely doing to make you feel anger or pain, because that’s what they feed off of. An interesting angle discusses adrenochrome, which is secreted from the adrenaline glands above the kidneys.
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A scientific study looked at how predators “feed” off of the “energy” excreted when fear or pain are exuded, because when this happens, the body goes into fight or flight, which makes the adrenal glands speed up. The body then exudes a higher rate of energy through the projection of that secretion through emotion.
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Science has also studied fear and adrenaline in children, and how child predators incite these same emotions to feed from. They looked at the connection to kidney drop when humans are around people who are energetic vampires.
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Often, the victim can become physically ill or feel extremely exhausted after prolonged contact with the predator. Children were often physically ill after too much contact with toxicity in general.
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Narcissist feed looks like emotions, exhaustion and for many, physical illness, because if one considers this from a metaphoric perspective, it is akin to watching a vampire suck the life from someone. If a person you are consistently around is inciting negative emotion and you’re feeling drained and/or ill, you may be dealing with an energy feeder.
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#venniekocsis #narcissism #narcissists #narcissist #toxicpeople #toxicrelationships #knowthesigns #mentalhealthawareness #protectyourself #survivorvoices
When a child is defiled, it changes our biology. While in Sam Fife’s Move Of God Cult, I already suffered multiple head traumas from beatings by the age of five. Still, I’m sometimes mocked because I struggle with memory. From flighty, to flakey, called a liar, the level of victim blaming/disregard for my experiences has been next level and worse, used to take advantage of me. Those days are over.
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As a post-cult teen, my mother was violent. She grew up neglected and abused by her mother. A cult recruiter spent years mind controlling her until she left my father to hand over her children to a violent cult. That’s how deep mind control goes.
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As a post cult teenager, she backhanded me so hard I had countless busted lips from my teeth cutting the insides. It should be noted she never hit us before the cult got ahold of her. She once trapped me behind a bedroom door at 15 years of age, punching me in the head and face as I tried to shield the blows. My older sister pulled her off of me. The stories go on and on.
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When I was incarcerated at 18, mother spent her visits weeping about where she had possibly gone wrong for this to happen to HER, as I sat staring back, wearing my TDOC uniform, white stripe down the side, prisoner 120406. I was the one behind bars yet consoling my own mother.
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This has been my life, invisible impairments ignored by those who should have listened and understood why I view the world and react to things the the way I do.
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I was in 2 domestically violent adult relationships. The 1st, I was called stupid, a dumb bytch, and much worse. The 2nd, my head was slammed against a wall repeatedly, and I was choked. Between the ages of 3 and 30, I experienced more head trauma than I can count.
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So, if you don’t understand me, or I seem confusing at times, consider this.
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#venniekocsis #cultchild #cult #cults #cptsd #did #childabuse #trauma #exvangelical #truestory #writerslife #survivorvoices
Dear sons, you weathered the storms of my floundering mom moments. You have loved me adoringly. You have been beautiful since the day you were born. You have changed my life for the better. You have made me laugh more times than I can count. You have never let your spirits be broken. I’m so proud to be your mom, @ugesauce and @philestoups
💕
I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to the ocean with all the family moms today! You’ve chosen beautiful women, with great matriarchal mothers, and I believe in the strength of your hearts. Mothers Day today is me putting my energy and my heart into wrapping my family with as much love as I can send. I’m also reminiscing through childhood photos. What a great mood lifter!
🥰
You are Kings. Never forget that. You are mighty warriors with ethics, standards and the ability to be and do any damn thing you want. Cuz yanno what? YOU IS GROWN!
😂
I love you, kiddos.
😍
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms of the planet. To the motherless child and/or adult, whether your mother is here on earth or passed on, please know that you are in my heart today, as I know this day can also be difficult for many.
💐
#venniekocsis #beavisandbutthead #happymothersday #mothersday #mothers #mommy #motherlessdaughters #motherlesssons #motherless #motherlesschild #iloveyou #staystrong #liveyourbestlife #survivorvoices
I am having to manage life around a knee injury which needs rest in order to heal. Time organization is key for me. I am even scheduling rest. I took time to organize activities for the down time I’m having to take; art and writing supplies.
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If there is disorganization in your life, it is not the workload that is the problem. It is you. We are responsible for organizing our wonderful lives in a way which allows us to produce and be present with peace and ease.
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We owe ourselves the gift of organization. We owe ourselves the exhaling of being able to look at our written schedule and release the worry and chaos from our mind.
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We must not look at the task of organization as a burden in and of its self. It’s a toolbox we place all of our instruments into for use when we need them. When we choose what times in the day and what states of mind we will categorize a task, we figure out our own unique way of accomplishing our goals.
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When we accept we can also switch some things around as needed we watch all manic confusion quickly disappear.
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I believe in you. Because of consistent, ebbing pain, I am currently have days of struggling to stay focused on my tasks. I remind myself that each day is a new day to begin again.
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Slowly and surely I am refining and reprogramming my brain to only make choices which contribute to my greater good and more than anything, a consistent state of positive mental health. This includes even the smallest tasks of my day and how I think toward them. I am living in a way which inspires passion and fire inside of my soul. Will you take this journey with me?
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𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈•
#VennieKocsis #writer #writing #blogger #blog #blogs #author #writerslife #pnwwriter #pnwwriters #writers
#writersofinstagram #writer #organize #organizing #writersofinstagram
#authorsofinstagram
#livingmybestlife #wordsofwisdom
#thriving #healing #growth #strength #writerscommunity #amwriting #schedule #focused
#survivorvoices
I had to have an MRI today on my left knee to hopefully rule out a torn meniscus. Welcome to anxiety city over the MRI process.
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I knew I was going to get to slide in the machine backwards so my head and my arms would be out in the open. Whew!
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I cannot move for an hour. Not a damn muscle. I know that places on me are gonna itch just because that’s part of the MRI mind-f&ck! 🤷🏼♀️And the sound, even with the meditation music in the headphones, will pierce into my eardrum.
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In the changing room, I processed my anxiety by doing a photo shoot. 😂😂 Go ahead. Swipe through. The scrubs are next level.
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I must have looked like a giant to the man doing my test. He handed me the hugest damn scrubs I’d ever seen. I might have been offended if I wasn’t so busy chuckling.
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There was no way I was going to miss out on the opportunity to laugh my way through what was about to be a gateway experience. Always take selfies when handed giant scrubs.
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Serious Moment: Trauma survivors. Testing can and most likely will be triggering. Maybe you were put through a lot of testing as part of your abuse. Maybe you had medical care withheld from you. Please don’t ignore that it’s possible for testing to bring up memories.
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I had a period where I had to breathe myself through nausea, as the repeated buzzing felt like it would never end.
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My chest got heavy. I lay perfectly still, as portals broke open, and I had a full blown, hour-long inner conversation, in the midst of perfect stillness and audio chaos.
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I just used a triggering situation to make it take me backward into my childhood and that felt powerful. I laughed my way through the anxiety and that felt like thriving.
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#VennieKocsis #writer #writing #blogger #blog #blogs #thoughts #author #writerslife #pnwwriter #tacomawa
#tacomawashington #pnw
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I am here to fight. I am here to make right the wrongs of generations. I am here to create and scribe. This is my passion.
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As I grow older, life unfolds quickly. I have released worry. I have released fear. I am going forward, because my voice matters.
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We don’t have to be silent anymore. We don’t have to be ashamed of our experiences. We are healing. We are becoming accountable. It hurts so much, but we’re just cleaning out those wounds, darlings.
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When the pain of the healing is finished, and our heart stretches to the sky, freedom becomes the empowerment that allows us to freely fly beyond the dimensions of pain. We can live the life we want.
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Defining that life is important. My goals are rooted in intent and hope of healing. My focus is in the amazing thriving of so many trauma survivors who have stepped out of the pain and into the sunshine of their victory.
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Let us continue to grow and laugh. Let us keep processing with positive self-love. Because we damn well deserve it.
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Be the kid you never got to be. You are free. Today, I am a fairy.
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#VennieKocsis #writer #writing #blogger #blog #blogs #thoughts #author #writerslife #pnwwriter #tacomawa
#tacomawashington #pnw
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#Sunday #vulnerability #healing #growth #strength
#survivorvoices
Cult kids have to find out who we are. I’ve found one key to knowing my self identity is what makes me feel passionate.
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What cult kids can struggle with is the doctrine which becomes an inner voice against their passions, even the smallest ones.
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I love a little makeup. Cult voice: Whore of Babylon. Jezebel.
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I love to rest. Cult voice: Lazy. Idle work is the devil’s hands.
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I say no if something doesn’t work for my current situation. Cult voice: Selfish. You need to set aside your suffering for others.
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I love to create and am biologically gifted. Cult voice: Egotistical. Don’t take full credit for your gifts.
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I invent my own personal style and enjoy being different. Cult voice: Your are feeding the flesh.
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The mind control our brains were programmed with crippled our self esteem. Well, we can reboot this damn hard drive and put some new software in it.
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The new software includes acceptance of our past experiences and knowing it is no longer our current. We master turning to our reality based thinking any time the memory viruses try to infiltrate our brand new brain computer.
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The new software contains a processing application wherein we learn how to wash memories and build coping skills to soothe our minds.
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The inner child software is simple to operate. We just enter questions we would ask a child at that age. The five year old you may need a cuddly blanket, movie, sweet or salty; a good drink. The twelve year old you may need a journal, markers, a creamy tea or slushy and some time alone to write.
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My life is a process of taking each moment as it comes.
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I thank myself for my accomplishments, creating through MY own DNA. It is okay to humbly embrace myself.
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This journey of thriving has unfolded best by staying in acceptance and keeping my mind open to growth and change.
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#VennieKocsis #writer #writing #blogger #blog #blogs #thoughts #author #writerslife #pnwwriter #tacomawa
#tacomawashington #pnw
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#thriving #accountability
#Sunday #vulnerability #healing #growth #strength
#SurvivorVoices
What does the text say?
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“A prodigy of screaming emotions that can’t escape the cave, I need a messy room in which to write & paint.”
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Beautiful picture and wonderful prose ❤
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Thank you, sistAr. ❤
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