Shadow Mail: Why Do I Feel Guilty for Leaving?

Welcome to Shadow Mail, where I answer questions sent in by readers. Real questions about empaths, boundaries, and the people who drain us, answered honestly. Have one of your own? Send it here.

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“Why do I always feel guilty when I pull away from someone, even when I know they’re bad for me?”

Feeling guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. A lot of the time, it means you’re doing something new, and this can be uncomfortable. Empaths also don’t revel in any joy when we feel we might be hurting someone, even those who have hurt us.

We were conditioned to believe that our job was to keep other people happy, okay, and comforted. Think of this from a perspective of constantly trying to appease the abuser in the hopes they would stay satiated and not harm us. We were supposed to smooth things over, to hold space, even for those who weren’t holding space for us. When that has been your role for years, stepping back doesn’t feel like self-protection. It feels like breaking a rule.

So the guilt rises up because your nervous system is set for the old conditioning, and you’re doing something different than it’s used to.

Here’s another piece. The people who are not good for us often know how to work that guilt in their favor. They say things like, “after everything I’ve done for you.” And you start to tally that. You start to question yourself. “They did do a lot for me. Maybe I owe them.”

But do you really? Because true love and giving doesn’t come with collateral or strings.

Now, there are times that guilt is telling you something accurate. If you left with cruelty, or said something you regret, it’s okay to own that part. But there’s a difference between guilt about how you left and guilt about leaving at all. And neither of them is a sign that you have to return to anything that is not helping you grow or heal. You can process what you feel you did not handle in the best ways, without going back.

Here’s what I want you to try. When the guilt hits you, sit with it. What is activating that guilt? Write it down so it becomes tangible in your hands. Is it accurate? Is it rooted in truth? Then let it simmer there without doing anything about it. Don’t send that text. Don’t explain yourself one more time. You already explained. Guilt fades faster when you stop feeding it.

Then do the deeper work for yourself. For a lot of us, the guilt is part of identity. The good and loyal part of us one who never leaves. So, if walking away from something that is draining you, making you sick, and not allowing you to heal makes you feel like a bad person, that identity is where the real work is rooted.

In most ways, guilt is a letter addressed to the person you used to be. You don’t have to open that letter. You can mark it “return to sender” and keep walking.

From my shadow to yours,

Have a question for Shadow Mail? Send it to me here.

Anatomy of the Dark Empath © 2023 by Vennie Kocsis is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 4.0

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Introduction – Start Here: Anatomy of the Dark Empath →