I Don’t Know How To Tell You

Sometime I speak to other ex-Move of god cult members, and I know things I don’t know how to approach; like their parent being a pedophile.

I listen to their pain, and what affected them, and the more I listen, the more I understand how deeply dissecting mind control is.

There is a different perspective happening. I haven’t found where to put it. I feel like I’m holding an unfair secret. What’s the use of hurting someone by revealing truth about their family member?

Why do I have to hold a secret?

I’m moving into another phase of this layered life. There are some pieces of myself I once felt I needed to follow, but the strand ended up cut and reconciled.

Now that the top layer of my experiences have been peeled back, I dive to the next layer, and I am softly processing truths which have made me stand in a quiet pause.

I hear the voice, “Lightly, child. Lightly.”

Stay in the gratitude. Join me by starting here:

Words From My Father

Spoken Version

Light travels everywhere within the Universe. The speed at which light travels in the emptiness of Universe space is 186,000 MILES per SECOND. Our Sun is about 93 million miles from earth, so it requires about 8 MINUTES for a beam of sunlight to travel from the Sun to us here on Earth. If one calculates the number of seconds of time within 1 YEAR, you’d find that a beam of light travels about 6 TRILLION miles in the time of 1 YEAR!

Nobody in science has ever viewed a singular object that could be called the SB [Supreme Being]. The knowledge of space & time is spread across a wide range of what SB entails. And the ‘Rules’ are the same everywhere in our Universe. The Rules also apply to the millions of cells in our personal brains. And we are given the choice of what to do with those cells when we make a personal choice. We can love, we can hate, and even kill, with the choice we decide to make with those cells. That choice still resides within the single individual. So……… do your best to remain true to your thoughts and wishes. The Bible-bangers were kidding themselves, and all others, if they thought their writings & words were going to change the humanoids and make them better. You’ll ultimately be responsible for all of the choices you make! The SB ‘designed’ it that way.

May all the above give you something to think about, -Dad-“

David E. Carpenter, U.S. Navy, designation retired, Groom Lake Red Hat, retired 2010

Where Is Nowhere?

New world
New order
New priority
New lenses
Aloneness
Is pertinent

That was the day I went nowhere for a very long time.

Where is nowhere? On the edge of sanity, where all the color and magic resides?

I fall asleep at moonrise and awaken at thrice night where everything goes quiet. So quiet.

I can walk away any day. I can turn my face toward the places I seek out light, information and truth about this existence.

So I go. I go to listen. Sweet harmonics. Otherworldly style.

I’m only here to leave scrolls as I grow old. I’m stepping through the hues of you.

This shit ain’t brand new.

It’s the aftermath of infinity, being no one, and nothing for too long.

Send the bell. Bang the gong. Follow along if you dare; should you care to stand in the footsteps of thriving in as many weird ways as possible.

You gonna let ‘em see in, kid?

Probably not. Used to be so raw. Not feeling interested. I’m gonna be a cliff away from absence by the time they notice I’m gone.

We always hung there, you know, in the gray with the grays.

I’m about to tell the stories. I used to sing the blues to avoid it. But time is ticking, I’m getting fickle so I gotta go finish.

Eh, Mr. Mahoney. I remember the project.

New commander.
New understanding.
New handling.
New vibrations.
Contradictions.
Release them.

It Starts Inside

We trauma survivors can have a little habit. Avoidance. I know. I’ve been there. For many years I burrowed myself into every other person and/or project that distracted my mind away from myself.

I was so frightened by what I had to face in myself; the pain, the anger, the memories of a tortured childhood, but the ultimate bi-product of my avoidance was more pain, more volatility in my connections because I was projecting all of my gunk into things outside of myself.

Then I realized that everything I was avoiding inside of myself was eating my from the inside out; emotionally and physically.

I believe without question that the answer to global change starts within individual hearts. I can do my part of contributing to my personal healing.

I’ll tell you something I found out. Facing ourselves really isn’t the horrible journey we expect. Did I cry a lot? Oh, yes. I wept torrents from my body.

It was worth it. I’m further along in my healing than I expected to be by now. I am still working on myself. I’m traveling the strands of my healing into my childhood memories and supporting my inner child as she develops trust and emotional maturity.

Take the journey into yourself, loves. It’s so worth it.

Grief Has It’s Own Ebb and Flow

I was so triggered the other day by a neighbor who wanted to talk. I said, “I’m really not up to it. I’m having a down day.” Her response, “Oh, get over it.”

Immediately I wanted to snap on her. Then this calm came over me, and I said,”Never speak to me that way again. My brother just passed in March.” She then tried to back peddle, said she was joking, I said, not funny and went on my way.

I’ve been civil because – neighbor – but it truly bothers me how people forget or don’t care what grief does to us.

My grief over the loss of my brother fired off a horrible inflammation flare in my physical body. I am now on month 5 of fighting it. We experienced a lot of trauma as children. Now I feel like a lone duck on an island of normal people who don’t understand why I am the way I am, not in the way my older brother did.

and I’m processing it as best as I can. It seems the more I am forced into situational normalcy, the more my body screams no.

My brother had a warlock energy. As teenagers we had D&D tournaments that would last for weeks. We talked for hours on the phone at least once or twice a week up to the week he passed.

He created such beautiful necklaces. He special made this one I’m wearing here.

The ache I feel missing him is extremely deep; sitting at the base of my spine, and it has me physically ill. 😢

I know time will heal this hole in my heart. I am processing the stages of grieving. I have relaxed into this slow pace. I cannot fight against this process.

So, I am flowing as best as I can, while focusing on self care, rest and nature feeding.

Grieving Through the Body

I have been unable to cry since my brother died, March 12, 2021, two days before my birthday. I held his hand, along with his son, as they turned the machines off. It was the most peaceful parting. I’d never experienced this before. I sang to him. I feel him every day.

But the grief has been locking my physical body up with inflammation and pain. I have known I needed to cry, but nothing would make the tears come.

Tonight, after a short stint at the hospital for steroid infusing for shoulder lock, I decided to write my brother a long text to his phone. I can’t take him out of my favorites, this photo of him and his grandson. He was a good Pappa Bear. He had redemption as a grandfather.

That beard grab though…

And so I began to write to him…

Miss you so much. This may be how I need to grieve. To just talk to you because you’re the one who I always called when I was crying.

I miss your way of making laughter from the macabre, your satirical wildness and your crazy Trump dance. We’re trying to figure out what to do with all those coins, by the way.

Your son is amazing and strong. You taught him the value of hard work and perseverance.

I know grieving is for the ones left behind, but I gotta get the pain out, bro and right now, I can only cry it out like I used to, pouring it out in small novella text convos.

My body is in pain and inflamed with grief. I talked to Dad on Father’s Day. Janet said he’s sleeping a lot, so he’ll probably be back in the mothership with you soon.

Meanwhile I am being as strong as I can and reminding the boys to stay a clan; that gangster Viking lineage they have. They are gifting such beautiful babies and breaking the trauma bonds, and my heart sings for them.

But gottamn bro I miss you so much. I kinda feel alone on this matriarchal island.

And I’m weeping hard, and so grateful for these tears because my body has been ripped with pain as I tried to stay high functioning for others. No. I’m gonna grieve as I need to. Cry when I feel it. No shoving it down, right?

Write.

Clock says 919

You say look it up.

Number 919 meaning is that it appears around a person who has abilities to make big things in their life, but usually, something stops them in that intention. They have big dreams, but something always distracts their attention.

Why you gotta call me out like that, fucker.

Don’t laugh. 🖕🏻

I laugh through my tears.

If the number 919 appears in your enclosure, it is a deep spiritual message that you are closer to achieve the deeper, ultimate spirituality. It means that you are being aware of yourself and your beloved ones and your understanding of them becomes bigger and deeper. If you are dealing with huge, life-changing decisions, seeing a number 919 is a sign that your solution will appear sooner than expected and you’re about to make the right choice.

Number 919 is a truly unique number. It is a powerful combination of numbers 9 (it appears twice) and number 1. Number 9 represents philanthropy and eternal love. It is also related to endings and conclusions.

Number 1 stands for leadership. It means that you are a hard-working person and you can create your own destiny. It is a sign that you are truly unique and able to control your life.

Combining these two numbers you are getting number 919, which gives you a strong message about your destiny. If you’re seeing it, it means that you are on the right path in your life.

If you have a challenging period in your life, number seeing number 919 is a sign that a difficult period is about to an end.

One of the reasons you’re seeing 919 is a spiritual message that you need to have more courage. Your guardian DNA is telling you that it is keeping an eye on you.

Your cellular wisdom is taking care of you and you don’t need to worry. New, positive events in your life will occur sooner than you expect. You just need to believe in yourself.”

Thank you bro. Just thank you. I needed this one tonight. I love you. Your lil sis.

Good Decisions Can Still Hurt

Today, I am feeling great sadness as I reflect and do some personal journal writing. Human rejection began in my life at just three years of age. I was ripped from my father and rejected by my own mother who literally handed me over to horrific abusers.

Understand that from ages 3-7 years old, I was not ALLOWED to even speak to my mother. Just sit quiet for a moment and imagine this life. Imagine my brother and sister who were made to do the same. Imagine seeing your mother across a dining hall and not being allowed to speak to her, touch her, be held, loved or even acknowledged. Imagine every day being filled only with being beaten and labored. Zero love. No kisses. Not allowed to laugh.

If you cannot image it, READ MY BOOK.

I was rejected by the people around me as I grew up, forced to sit in silence and disallowed any identity development. As a young adult I became abused and rejected by men. My family has rejected me. They find me weird. They are uncomfortable with my advocacy work and won’t tell me why. I am flawed and the weird white lady unworthy of being in their presence. I don’t say the right things. I don’t believe the right way. I’m this. I’m that. I’m never enough no matter what. I should never have an opinion and if I do, it shouldn’t be different than theirs or I’m a bad person.

I’m exhausted of living this type of life.

If I choose to be silent, comply and never have my own voice, allow myself to be the target for blame, then I might be allowed back around my family. Welcome to my childhood, being treated like a piece of dirt, a beast, a thing, an irrelevant child only worthy of abuse, having every action and behavior analyzed and turned on me.

I believe the only way to break this pattern of being in the target position of shunning and blame, is to disconnect from anyone who believes it to be ok to treat me this way. Anyone who thinks shunning a human, who is a decent person deserving of love, is an okay practice, is not in a positive place in life.

Anyone who wants to put me in a position of having to fold myself inward and become invisible in order to be accepted does not have my well being in mind at all and hasn’t taken the time to understand how abusive this behavior is. I will always be walking on eggshells around them, waiting to be accused again without any care to understand me.

Anyone who doesn’t care about the grave damage that shunning a person and dissecting families does to the spirit is not emotionally safe. I cannot allow myself to be attached to these energies anymore.

So, today I have made the heart breaking decision to do just that; not allow anyone back into my life who has enacted shunning or dissection on me. In order to continue healing my own deep wounding and keep growing as an individual, I have to continue building some very high boundaries. This decision comes with the knowing that it is alright to put my well being first.

Self love does not make us selfish.

I spent 2020 grieving extreme pain on many levels. I will not spend any more days of my life in pain. I am exhausted of it. I am officially moving on to new ventures intended to let me experience this life being surrounded by those who don’t have the intention of using me, targeting me or beating me down. I have to stay connected to individuals who are safe for my emotional well being.

I’m done with ever being belittled, abused or treated indifferently ever again. I share this for those who experience the same and understand how messy the practice of shunning is.


I’m traveling The Feeling Wheel.