Processing Abandonment Emotions

My brother was my best friend. He was my dude. This morning I woke up with a deep ache. I miss him. It’s been ten months since he passed on. Grief is an ornery little cuss. This workbook: “Processing Through Grief” has been helpful.

Today, I felt abandoned and even a little angry, because I am about to release a new book that my brother was a large part of.

During the process of writing I was traveling and talking with scientists I met through dear friends.

My brother was the one I shared this excitement with. He held my secrets like a trustworthy stead. He left before it was finished. I feel so sad. I wish he could hold this book in his hands, my first work of science fiction. We were so excited together.

“Knowing Maude Seven” will be available in hardback on Amazon, and in e-stories, which will only be available at The Thriving Nook. Sign up for a free membership if you’d like to read it. Also sign up for The Thriving Nook Newsletter to be notified of this book’s launch.

Because I was struggling emotionally, I decided to head into nature and see how many other abandoned things I could find. As I walked inside the trees letting some needed tears flow, I spotted these abandoned things.

This book, beat up by rain that is slowly erasing the ink holding its purpose in life.
This lonely wrapper, left empty in the cold.
These two solitary lamp posts who can’t even touch one another or hug.
This bear, abandoned on a rock, it’s eyes dark blank stares beneath an upside down smile.
This plastic bag, torn and tattered, yet still holding onto its smile.
These two headless ducks.
A pile of leaf bodies just thrown on dead sticks.
This bridge to nowhere.
This graffiti on an old sign.

I remember once in 2012, my brother, nephew and some of our friends were in Olympia, WA at Tugboat Annie’s. I was singing at an open mic night.

I looked over at the wall on the booth we were in as we waited for our turn to go up, and on the wall was a quote.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

I have never forgotten that quote and how it stuck me. As I walked off the stinging in my throat, I embraced the truth that I have not been abandoned. My older brother is still here with me. I hear him in the smart ass way I say things and the hollow underbelly of my laughter.

He’s floating in his home dimension where he can always be the dungeon master; the best DND dungeon master I have ever met, just for the record.

Red

“Red is the color of anger,” she said. “orange, the hues of the lows in you.”

Since when had she become the expert of my colors? Red is the blood dancing through me and orange is my sunset. Blue is my melancholy and violet my severance of free. My color has its own definition, and my rainbows don’t arch. They have edges, sharp and wordless, like the green of trees when I am nature bathing.

I Am

I am a poetess
a prowess, a lioness
ripping through emotions
a shark in an ocean 
of sadness and incapable
expression. 

I am your words,
unspoken and unheard,
representative of pain
revealing what you restrain,
heart broken and torn,
cries of the unborn.

I am a servant
echoes of the quiet haunt
moving ghosts in the wind
beginning when you long to end
the truth that can't pretend.

I am a woman
writing sins upon the sand
moved and expressive
accepting my lessons.

I am your calm
protector from the harm
enveloping arms, held to my chest
acceptance and forgiveness,
healer of your sickness.

I am you
familiar to your hues,
many colors become our sunset,
locking eyes lest we forget
love we whispered into our ears;
and if you were here,
i would kiss your tears.

circa: 2004

CORE: Chill Out. Remember Everything.

I took a walk down memory lane today. While I was playing old videos and listening to past recordings, I thought to myself, “This is your core. Chill out and remember everything.”

Ah! My friends, I went there, all the way back into 2007, 2011, progressions of years past, and I became so incredibly clear here in the present.

I want to share my CORE with you. I hope you will also chill out and remember everything.

CLICK HERE TO VISIT MY CORE

Portrait of Vennie Kocsis
by artist
Ladessa Sullivan aka Candyacidreign

2.0.1.9 Outro

This year has been a slow churning process of self-examination. I have dissected new sections of pain which remain in the hidden spaces of my brain. I am making firmer promises to myself. My boundaries grow thicker, planted with prickly vines, should the uninvited attempt to sneak inside.

I will not stoop to low behaviors or project my pain on others. I own my actions and turn my back on ones who don’t own theirs. I stay rooted in understanding the intricate layers I am seeing. I continue gluing together the pieces.

My love is not to be taken for granted. I defend myself with mature valiance. I speak truth and gather proof. I face myself in the mirror and work on being better.

I am not who I used to be. I am not ashamed of the woman who was once self-abusive, running in circles with those who never cared for their own beings, just like me. That girl grew up and realized that facing herself was far more productive than hiding. Standing still was easier than running.

I walk forward slowly. I will not sink. I will not dance drama tangos with non-healing humans accepting lives of ruin as they reek havoc as a habit.

I let myself trace the footsteps of my past. There are seemingly endless tunnels to travel through. I have walked through fire, storms and attacks with no shields on my back.

Yet, here I stand.

So when you come to me, accept and see that I’m not at all who you assume me to be. I am inside of my own moving cells; listening to the stories they tell. Go forth into your next phase with grace, and be a soft wind, friends.

𝒱𝑒𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒 𝒦𝑜𝒸𝓈𝒾𝓈

Gathering Pieces

Don’t let anyone make you cruel. No matter how badly you want to give the world a taste of its own bitter medicine, it is never worth losing yourself.

Stop. For One Minute With Me

Let’s Breathe Together