It happened early Tuesday morning. It has taken me this many days to verbalized it. Describing violent images is not an easy task. You see, the heart beats faster and faster. The head gets heavy. Hands shake. You close your eyes into short meditative moments, breathing and counting.
Inhale. 1. 2. 3. 4.
Exhale. 1. 2. 3. 4.
With each breath I center. This is not reality. This is violent imagery, seeping the emotions hiding inside my body’s cells.
I am in the third perspective, observing. I have floated to the ceiling, and I am looking down upon the scene.
I am on a bed. I have on black pants and a white, short sleeve t-shirt. I am flat on my back. My arms are beside my body, which is completely straight. I cannot see my feet.
The bed is surrounded by people standing shoulder to shoulder. They are not moving. They are silently looking at me as if assessing their handiwork. They are gray forms. I cannot see them clearly. They look almost like carved out statues except for their left hands. Each one is holding a large knife in their hand. It is dripping with bright red blood.
From my unnoticed perch I’m the ceiling I am quizzically observing my own stomach and chest area. I feel no emotion as I look. It is hacked into so many pieces it mimics brutally tenderized meat. Blood is soaked into the white sheet all around me.
My gaze moves to my face. I believe I am still alive. My eyes are black. My facial expression looks peaceful. There is no scream to my mouth or contortion.
“How odd.” I think.
I awaken with a start, my muscles jerking, my heartbeat rapid, and I look at the clock. It is 7 am. I have chills in my skin. I curl beneath the covers, turn on a movie and make my mind try and forget. The images invade my day, drifting in and out. I know this will fade. I have been here so many times now, in the aftermath of violent night travel into the subconscious.
I bring out the emotion there. I hold it in my hands. It is the ghost wounds of countless stabs cast into the center of my spirit. I let it fade until I can be here now, scribing it without tears.
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I am a child, maybe around eight or nine years of age. I am in a large house with at least three stories and a basement. I am in the basement with many other children. We are moving large objects, too heavy for our small bodies to be moving on a consistent basis. I can’t quite make out exactly what the objects are. They are square, almost like blocks of concrete.
I am watching myself in third person, up against the ceiling looking down. My hair is somewhat matted as though it has not been washed in quite a long time. My face is dusty. I have on burlap pants and a t-shirt that is stained. I cannot see my feet to know if there are shoes on or if I am barefoot. I seem to have been down here for a very long time. All of us children have. I look tired, hopeless, worn, and moving methodically. We do not talk to each other. We do not look at each other. We move systematically, moving the large objects from a pile on one side of the basement to stack them neatly on the other side. I feel the heaviness of whatever we all are moving and organizing. I see the utter weariness in all our hunched over backs.
The dream scene changes. I am in my own body now. I am an adult now. I am sitting in a room with a large makeshift conference table. It is handmade with slabs of wood. There are many people around it in matching chairs made of tree trunks and tree limbs and nailed together pieces of board. I cannot see their faces. Only their forms. They are a mixture of mirage and shadow, shifting between color and black and white. I know I am being expelled from the house. I feel that this is a regular occurrence, that once we children reach adulthood, we are no longer needed there. I feel glad inside. I don’t understand why they aren’t worried that I and all the others they have released, will go to the authorities to tell on them. I am aware that my life has been spent in the basement. They are each talking to me, one at a time, as if giving instructions or even a farewell, but I am not listening. I am in my own head, devising a plan to come back for the children in the basement.
I awake this morning, with a pinched nerve beneath the left shoulder blade on my back. I let hot water pour onto it in the shower. I understand the emotion that moved through me last night. This reality of emotional pain is felt in multiple ways. It moves through my heart strings and sometimes settles into my muscles. It is not always mine. At times, it feels like the pain of every hopeless child wishing as I did when I was little, that someday someone would save me.
I am watching myself in third perspective. I am feeling myself in first perspective. I am doing both of these things at the same time as I sleep lucidly dreaming.
I am prone on a metal table. My head is secured with something, maybe a strap. I can’t quite make it out. There is a metal contraption holding my mouth open. It has been open for hours, maybe days. My lips are three times their normal size. They are cracked and dry. My throat is screaming for water. I fade out.
Now I am wandering through a market. There are vendors everywhere selling fruits, vegetables and various wares. The market is packed with people. I feel conspicuous and paranoid that I will be recognized. By whom I do not know.
My hair is grossly disheveled. I can sense that I am confused as to my whereabouts. I cannot make out the ethnic or planetary race of the people manning the market stands. They are shadowy and fading in and out. I don’t know if they are human or if I am in another country on earth. I feel taller than them.
I am unsure what planet I am on. My lips are so dry they are vastly blistered. I focus my view in on my mouth in order to assess the damage. They are horribly cracked, dry and swollen. I am cupping my hand over my mouth to shield them, not from embarrassment, but from being recognized. I feel that the condition of my lips will give away that I have escaped. From what I do not know.
Who have I run from? Who am I hiding from? What am I looking for in this market? Something to moisten my mouth and throat.
I wake up at three a.m. desperate with thirst. I stumble down the stairs and fill up a glass of water that I gulp and re-fill to gulp again. Cake. I am craving sugar. I shove pieces of it into into my mouth to curb the sudden craving. My lips are actually extremely dry. I slather them with Chapstick before falling back into sleep. I awaken into the day feeling the sadness of this world’s indifference, and I escape to the woods with moistener for my lips.
Did I travel? Am I remembering? Or is this just a dream? This life is confusing.