Patriarchy Survivor: Survival After the Suffering

Testimony by Vennie Kocsis

My abuse story is not “typical”, although who is to say that any abuse is typical. My story is a bit different because I am a survivor of ritualistic cult abuse. I share my experiences openly with the intent of connecting with others who have been abused. It’s important to me that we come to know there is healing and survival after the suffering.

In 1973, my mother took me and my siblings, left our father and our family home in San Diego, CA and drove across the country to Ware, Massachusetts where she joined a religious cult called The Move. I was three years old.

While at this facility my family was separated from one another and each placed into different classification units on the compound. The next four years of my childhood became a nightmare filled with ritual beating sessions, sessions involving casting out of “demons”, molestation by multiple men, slave labor working on the compound from dawn till dusk, methodical listening to hours of tapes of preaching, and an overall hopeless existence of disassociation as my body and soul tried to cope with what was being done to it.

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Patriarchy Survivor is a blog dedicated to “breaking the silence one testimony at a time”.

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Click Here To Listen To Disregard On Soundcloud

I know there’s times
when i feel afraid and
nothin’ you say can
make the fear go away

I’m just a girl who
tries to live this life
the best way I know how but
you don’t understand the times
I feel so alone I could
I could
I could
I could die.

I kept my head up high
when I was a child when
all that I was
stripped from my skin.

I never let them break, no
what lived within and now I,
I sometimes
can’t get the images
from my eyes
oh, what am I doin’ alive?

Oh, Mama don’t you know what you have
left behind
all the nights I cry and all
the times I wanna say goodbye

How am I supposed to get through
this human life with
the greed
the strife
the envy
the pain
please make it go away, oh.

I said my goodbyes
on the other side when I
chose this life of strife
of pain
of crying
where I go I don’t know

Every day I
I tell myself it’ll all
go away
go away
go away
but I’m back
in your clutches

I’ve got flashbacks
and bad dreams to keep me warm
and I’ve got
anxiety and
times I can’t even
make myself go to the store

you don’t
you don’t understand
what it’s like to
enter this world fighting
just to live you
you might know your own story but it’s
nothin’ like mine

I said tonight I’d die it’d be
the last time I cry I would
wipe my eyes and say goodbye
to everything I’ve left behind

I’d tell them don’t be sad
take my words and make them all
understand what they’re doing
what they do to the children
what they do to lives
to lives
oh. why can’t I

and run
and go and be so brave
I don’t know
I don’t know why I can’t
I’m weak
I stand right here
in this spot
struggling for my breath and I
I don’t even have the guts
to enter death

this is not a story of
suicide or why
why, I don’t wanna be in this life

this is
this is a refrain of pain
caused by
the eyes of disregard
and blame

Vennie Kocsis