Forgiveness. Sometimes I get tired of hearing this word. What does it mean to me? It feels moot; an unnecessary element in the totality of my growth journey.
I’ve learned a great deal about myself through this journey of therapy. This host who carries these parts of me, she is intelligent and free spirited, kind and giving, thoughtful and strong willed.
These past few years have been a procession of betrayals, subsequent disenchantment rightfully created, and a slow withdrawal into an even tighter state of mistrust. Yet, this is not the way I thought I was supposed to live.
I watch my cats closely. I learn a lot from them. One element of a cat’s personality is the way they are with people. Rarely does a cat let someone close right away. It takes time. They watch. They wait, observing. My lack of waiting or accepting the signs that things with certain people were not right, have cost me relationships and a lot of hurt.
Yet still, I work through the process of these hurts and how does forgiveness play a role in it. I don’t feel forgiving towards certain individuals. I feel disappointment. I feel anger. I feel betrayed and used.
In what way would forgiveness change those emotions and what does that mean? It feels plastic to me; passive aggressive, a sweep of the hand over the heart and the soft cliche of “I forgive you so that I can heal.”
That’s not how I feel. To say that would be a line of bullshit. I don’t forgive anyone who doesn’t have the humble ability to own their behavior. I don’t expect forgiveness if someone feels I don’t own mine. I say fuck off, get out of my life, and accept it if someone feels the same about me.
Forgiveness feels overrated and fake most of the time. It feels like a way to smooth over or make excuses for shitty behavior and give someone a chance to wear the forgiveness crown.
No, I don’t forgive you. That doesn’t make me bitter. I’m just keeping it my kind of real in a “please, with sugar on top, fuck off” kind of way.
In the end, life continues on, and I wish no human any harm. Forgiveness doesn’t hold miracles or healing for me. I heal because I choose to. I go forward because I move my feet.
Forgiveness feels as if it is for the ones who enjoy the idea of hanging as a victim on a cross, a personal self built pedestal, so they can announce to the world “forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
Forgiveness is for the ego-maniac.