When Abuse Is a Child’s Normal

**trigger warning: abuse description**

If there had been a safe place for me as a child, what would I have said? I didn’t know sexual abuse was wrong. I only knew it caused me physical pain and made me want to hide away. It sent me far from this earth place, to other dimensions, so I could endure it.

I didn’t know being beaten was wrong. It was my normal. I had to be stripped of my sin. I was a bad child. All children were born bad. If only I could learn to be good, then maybe the beatings would stop.

I didn’t know demons weren’t real. They lurked in shadows waiting to jump into me and make me do horrible things kids do, like laugh or play, cry and want their mother and make me loud, even though I was deaf. If I sat through enough demon casting out sessions, endure the fistfuls of hair pulling, face slapping, pinching and screaming, maybe the demons would leave me alone.

When torture is a child’s normal, what do they view as worse than that? What is there to tell someone; if there even is someone to tell?

I would one day find out that demons are real. The only difference is… They’re human.

S.C.

Cults and Cult Apologists Who Gang Stalk

Gang stalking (also known as “organized stalking”) “is the covert organized surveillance and harassment of a targeted individual by multiple perpetrators. The goal is to systematically isolate and harass the victim using tactics whose cumulative effects amount to psychological torture.”

Tactics include:

* Flooding your book/website/online presence with negative comments to drive down the ratings
* Making websites in an attempt to discount you
* Leaving negative comments and thumbs down on YouTube videos
* Blogging about you negatively
* Calling you a liar
* Attempting to trigger you emotionally in any way possible, even attacking your mental health
* Hacking into websites
* Re-selling your book/item for profit
* Digging up parts of your past in an attempt to discredit your present as if humans do not change and/or grow

Some cults go further and actually physically stalk individuals; slash tires, harrass family members and even murder individuals. If one has ever watched Deadly Devotion they can see examples of this. 

I deeply observe the mindsets of my critics, who so far have been seemingly either current members of Sam Fife’s Move of God cult or ex-members who are cult apologists.

A few days ago, a negative review was left on my Amazon link for Cult Child. I expected this behavior long before I began to write. This is what cults do. I have never been overly concerned with it. 1. I find that the guiltiest yell the loudest and 2. I appreciate their reviews because each one of them proves even more, the validity of my story.

Here’s why:

This last review alleged that my book was filled with lies and that it was vague. So my first response, naturally, is, how could you possibly know that unless you were on the cult with me, because that would be the only way anything the critic had to say could be valid. They would have to have been there. Therefore this person either is one of my abusers or witnessed the abuse.

Here say doesn’t stand up in court. Just because Sister Marie calls me a liar doesn’t make it so. She has to prove it. Even in court, the burden of proof is not on the victim.

**update** I responded to the commenter who called my book a farce. I asked them, if it is so, they must have been there, witnesses or participated.  I asked them which compound they were housed in to know?  The next day, the commenter had deleted their comment.

I happily welcome the opportunity when I might step before a judge with my evidence. I’m ready for what they’ll possibly do to hide the truth. No matter what, the truth is now out there in print, and the truth will live long after I leave this planet.

It will live in every word of Cult Child’s pages, in the words of this blog and from the mouths of my siblings and every other source who verified these memories. It will live through my sons who will insure it’s continued copyright. It will live through my grandchildren. It will live through every person who has a copy of it. It will live always.

and this is why my critics don’t count.

A Letter To the Defense

In this assignment, let’s write a letter to our defendant/s. There may be one. There may be many. The Defendants are the people who should stand trial for hurting us as children. Write this letter in the voice of you as a child, saying what you want to say to them now.”  The Artist’s Way

Dear Abusers in Sam Fife’s Move of God Cult:

I wish you cared about how much you hurt me. Sometimes I sit in contemplation trying to bring out understanding of how you people can be so wicked, sadistic and cold.

Why don’t you think you did anything wrong? Do you know you were wrong and you’re too scared to admit the truth? Why? You don’t want to be judged? But you deserve to be judged.

What do you think your God’s final ruling will be when you stand in front of him? I am confused sometimes when you say “what is done to the least of us you do to God.” Why do you beat God? Why do you molest him? Why do you tell him that he is nothing but sin? Why do you say he is worthless? Why do you withhold his meals to make him comply? Do you think God will love you for what you do to him?

Maybe I’m not the least among you just because I’m a kid. What does the least among you mean to you?

I never trust you to keep me safe because I am never safe. My heart beats really hard when I’m scared of getting in trouble. Sometimes I think I’m floating halfway in the air and halfway in my body.

Mom, sometimes I look at you, and I think you are pretty. But sometimes you feel scary. I wish I could tell you that I only see demons in mean people. It’s in their eyes. Do you know that’s where evil can never hide, Mama? That’s why evil people wear sunglasses a lot, unless they have eye problems, maybe.

Do days feel this long to all the people in the world? They feel like forever to me. Mom, and how come we never get to talk to our Dad? Why do you hate him so much? Does he really not want us like you say? And please don’t marry Leis off to that man from India. He smells weird and then I’ll be all alone and you will make ME do all the cleaning in the cabin.

Mom, Brother Ray did a lot of dirty things to my body when we were living in the Tabernacle. And I am more than a sinner now. I can never tell you because then you will hate me for being a whore of Babylon. I didn’t know that little kids could be whores, but maybe I am what everyone says girls are.

I want to tell you all, how long this will follow me. It will tear apart my teenage years, leaving me void of an identity. It will send me to jail. It will make me choose boyfriends who abuse me. It will take all of my trust. I will trust the wrong people so many times I will stop trusting anyone at all. I will have months of not leaving the house. I will fail my children. I will have night terrors. I will have flashbacks of your torture. I will meet others like me, and I will despise your existence more. I will attack my own body with food and cigarettes.

I will dig my way out of your rubble. And I will find the real me. I will cease continuing your abuse by abusing myself.  You will stop owning me.  And then I will find you. I will spend lifetimes following you, haunting you, and I will tell all of your secrets. I will destroy your core and rip open your lies. I will survive.

I think you hate me because you can’t break me.

I have more to say, and I will keep writing you letters. And you will listen. Maybe we should tie you all to chairs, beating the truth out of you like you tried to beat fake demons out of us kids. Isn’t that what the Bible says? An eye for an eye?

Vennie Kocsis is the best-selling author of Cult Child and other publications.  She is a also a poet and hostess of the podcast Survivor Voices Show.