Last night, I lay awake in my bed unable to fall into sleep. My body said “Ha!” to sleep aids. I finally drifted off around 4am and awoke around 10 am.
As I had my coffee this morning, I realized that last night my mind kept wandering to food, flashing urges to get up and go to the kitchen. Then my reasoning mind took over and reminded me there is nothing in there that doesn’t have to be prepared. There is no sugar to soothe whatever haunts me in the night. This mental battle kept me awake.
I am in a full blown battle with food addiction.
I feel competitive; like naw; nothing is going to beat me down ever again. I’m done. I feel bitchy and intolerant of all of this low-level bullshit. I feel exceedingly hyper focused. Righteously angry. My sword is unsheathed.
So many of us are fighting mental programming infused into us as children. We are in a battle with our own minds.
I’ve decided to both demolish and make peace with this wicked remnant, then infusing it into my self love to evaporate it into nothingness.
I’ve spent my life either abusing, ignoring or putting my body into the “associates” group. Now, I am making it my very best friend. I protect my friends. I fight for them. I support them and the healing journey.
I am becoming even more one with my inner self. It’s an extremely painful merging, because everything shifts and adjusts. It makes the bones ache. I picture it as a literal physical shapeshifting, because it is. We are morphing our bodies, our minds, who we allow in our lives, and many of us, even rearranging our living spaces as we emerge through this change.
I have had the pleasure of experiencing how powerful the mind is. Over the years, I have spent a lot of time working on re-wiring my brain to operate as it is supposed to, in a fashion which serves my best and most healthy life.
Living with childhood brain trauma, my physiology was always scattered and chaotic. I had to untangle the wires and re-plug them back into their proper inputs. I am untangling the final knot, living in the depth of the spaces which hurt the most, the sexually abused child who was given sugar to soothe the pain and keep her quiet.
Some people will tell you that your self care is selfishness. Be willing to be “selfish” (you’re not). Anyone who says this to you, either does not understand the need that trauma survivors have to rest and heal or they simply don’t care. Either way, ignore your critics.
These self-talk affirmations help me remind my mind of how powerful I am. If you aren’t at a place where your brain will correct itself, then write them down and paste them on your walls. Put them on the bathroom mirror; anywhere that you frequent in your day and evening. Speak these to your body.
Our body loves when we praise it. It beams and glows like a happy child.
“I congratulate you for your strength.”
“You are a mighty being.”
“I refuse to feed my self-hate emotions.”
“That which does not fuel my health may not enter me.”
My friend, Cathy O’Brien, speaks of conscious eating. This has been an important skill for me to develop. Instead of blindly eating in front of the television or subconsciously munching, I focus my mind into a deep awareness of the grade of food fuel I put into my mighty ship, aka, my body.
I hope you will turn to your inner child and embrace them. They are waiting, eager, for your love. Don’t ignore the child. Take time for them. Treat them with the loving kindness you were not given as a child.
I was not taught healthy eating patterns. Food was also used to punish us in Sam Fife’s Move of God cult. It was not uncommon to be or see a child not being allowed a meal, in public humiliation, hands folded on the table as everyone else ate. The worst one was to have dinner taken away as a punishment. This meant the child would go at least 16-18 hours until getting any food.
Have you ever tried to sleep with a growling stomach? It’s haunting.
This is the subconscious pain of night eating. It is about finally having control of our food. Our minds are attempting to figure out how to rebalance. Subconsciously my brain is saying that I GET to have food at night now. Subconsciously my sexually abused brain is whispering for sugar. My conscious brain is calling them to a meeting of the minds, a permanent agreement that they’ll leave or integrate into a healthy thought pattern.
I am feeling gangster inside. I feel resolved. The door is shut on angst, regret, guilt, self ignoring and/or giving away of energy to anyone or anything which is not a positive influence in my life, true, authentic and supportive.
Create your comfortable space for you. Those who support you will understand and cheer you on for finally taking care of you. Those who wish to abuse you will tell you how selfish you are, how you always make everything about you, and every negative thing they can to keep beating you down. Those are not your people. Not right now.
Your people will cheer you on for choosing peace in your life. They will contribute to that peace by also choosing healing over hate. Your people are the ones who are dedicated to mending brokenness within themselves and their bonds, letting go of past pain and bitterness, grudges and rumination, and being generally happy in life. If that is the goal you have for yourself, prepare to fly.
For now, I choose my body over everything else in life. As I move into my 52nd year on this planet, there is no more holding on. I have fought and conquered many battles thus far. My final strand to rip apart is the connection that being a sexually abused child created with the comfort of food.
Reading my book, Cult Child, will help you understand how a sexually abused child makes an invisible friend out of the sweets given to me by one of the men who sexually abused me. Food is often used to groom children for sexual abuse; especially sweets.
It is important for us to truly take pause of how we speak of ourselves in general, around children and most importantly to our own mind.
I chatted with Matt Pappas of “Beyond Your Past” about my battle with food addiction, which has been the most difficult programming of my mind to cure. I share in this interview some of the tools I have used to get to where I am today.
Food addiction is like any other addiction. It continually calls. It is something the food addict cannot escape. Food is all around us and a staple we need to live. Instead of fighting the food itself, the battle is deep in the mind.
Food addicts will always have moments where the food drug calls us. The key to being healed is when we love ourselves so much, we refuse to give into the echoes of that abuse. We refuse to partake in beating ourselves down, in self-depreciation, and instead, we fight the haunting voices taunting for us to hate our bodies.
I am worthy of my health. I am worthy of healing. I am worthy of my strength. I go forth valiantly into this life, putting my self-healing and my needs first.
As above, so below.