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Vennie Kocsis

The life and times of a cult child

In the Silence

Image • Posted on October 6, 2014 by Vennie Kocsis • in Poetry, States of Being • Tagged abuse survivor, Alters, art, black moon, cult child, digital art, dissociative identity disorder, empath, Knowing, memories, moon, poetry, protected, religious abuse, ritual abuse, shifts, thriver, vennie kocsis, venniekocsis • 7 Comments

About Vennie Kocsishttps://venniekocsis.wordpress.comI am a survivor of Sam Fife's Move Of God cult in which I suffered physical, mental and sexual abuse as a child. If you know, then you know.

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7 thoughts on “In the Silence”

ccchanel41 says:

October 6, 2014 at 2:37 am

OMG breathtaking, sad, beautiful…all at once

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- Vennie Kocsis says:
  
  October 6, 2014 at 12:47 pm
  
  Thank you beautiful
  
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  Reply
manyofus1980 says:

October 18, 2014 at 4:00 am

Amazing ❤ so beautiful xx

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- Vennie Kocsis says:
  
  October 24, 2014 at 11:23 am
  
  Thank you. 😘
  
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iamcayenne says:

November 26, 2014 at 9:38 am

…We are running to keep the lungs open enough to hold the weeping….wow……scary..and sad

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- Vennie Kocsis says:
  
  November 26, 2014 at 5:15 pm
  
  No fear. Healthy self love is the potion. Sadness… Now that human emotion is a hard one for me to escape at times.
  
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  - iamcayenne says:
    
    November 27, 2014 at 9:40 am
    
    Hmmm…
    
    LikeLike
    
    Reply

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Vennie Kocsis

Vennie Kocsis

A Personal View

My heart has traveled into the dark spaces of betrayal and obsession. It is a cave no human should ever be trapped in. Being a victim of these places is a trip into a deep abyss. • Long ago I vowed to never leave memories on shelves, but instead to tread the deep waters of my generational fathers and broken mothers. I have become something other than what I was; informed and unborn. • Here inside this space, I release the rage of rapes and ropes, dashed dreams and hopes, left splattered on an unpaved road reaching into dirt owned by the most vile beings on Earth. • One cannot forget the dissecting of innocence. One cannot purge the scars left from abusiveness. It is a roadmap of aloneness as we gain acceptance that they will drown in lack of penance. Into the dark matter return, and I will watch them burn and burn and burn.

Don’t be afraid to be all of who you are. Don’t hold yourself back out of fear in any way. Do not suppress the beautiful parts of yourself. • I am a constant work in progress. I diligently and openly work on becoming better. This is a daily practice. I soak in the wisdom of my peers who have overcome some of the worst abuses to stand beside me on the other side; the healing side. • Never close yourself off to the input of other people’s healing journeys. As they share their methods, I soak in their words. Today, my dear friend reminded me to use my thoughts to push away body drop brought on by triggers. • These reminders also keep me aware that I am loved, because my friends care enough about me to offer me solutions. That’s love. If you aren’t open to solutions that may work for you to become all of who you are, you are blocking your own healing. Don’t do that. • On the other side of pain is triumph and thriving. • #saturdayvibes #saturdaymorning #polkadots #beallyoucanbe #dontholdback #breakfree #keeptalkingmh #mentalhealthawareness #readersofinstagram #dothework #dailymotivation #dailyinspiration #ibelieveinyou #trusttheprocess #goodfriendsarehardtofind #goodfriends #healyourmind #mindovermatter #loveyourself #selfcare #healingcrystals #heal #healing #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Maybe I’m still holding onto hope. I see my Daddy’s eyes; they’re dark like I remember. I see him knocking on the cabin door. He is strong, powerful and handsome. His muscles bulge from underneath his t-shirt, and his face is set to rage. Mama is shocked! Her mouth is in an oval as Daddy’s last knock breaks the door in. I am at the top of the ladder to the loft. I slide down and run to him. “I’m taking them, Jane.” He commands, his voice booming with authority. • Mama shakes and begs and pleads, saying how sorry she is. Daddy’s face is scorn and coldness. He spits at her. He throws me onto his shoulders and we glide through the door. No one says a word to him as we walk through the crowd of people. They just stand in their spots, staring in fear at my powerful father. We walk past the round log yard in front of the Tabernacle where Leis joins us. We stride, so proud through the crowd, and all of the people part like Moses and the Red Sea. Ha! I’m gone for good! • But the endless nights find me back in my tiny closet room at the top of a cabin thousands of miles away from the one person I’m hoping might, just might, still care enough to rescue me. I whisper to the sliver of the moon shining through my little window. “Come get us, Daddy. Come.” • Get your copy of “Cult Child” by visiting the link in my profile. #readersofinstagram #cultchild #cultsurvivor #cultsurvivors #cult #cults #cultscultscultscults #reader #authorsofinstagram #author #authorlife #pnwwriter #pnwwriters #tacomawriters #bestseller #bestsellerbook #kindle #paperback #paperbacks #ebook #ebooks #samfifemoveofgod #samfife #buddycobb #massachusetts #alaska #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Never underestimate the power of a flower. My favorite is the sunflower. 🌻 She holds in her petals and soul the shades of sunrises and sunsets; the most visually beautiful part of our days. • Nature allows us opportunities for gratitude. No matter if you are a morning person or a night person, the sun☀️ insures that you have beauty to either rise or fall asleep into. What a gift. • Like the sun, the sunflower reminds me how beautiful colors are. She reminds me to give to others, for she both gifts me visual beauty and seeds that nourish my human body. Thank you. #sunflower #sunflowers #nature #sunrise #sunset #sunsets #color #beauty #naturesbeauty #flowers #gratitude #seeingitall #seelife #lovelife #appreciative #thankful #lifeofgratitude #mentalhealthawareness #gratitudeheals #thethrivingfactor #thriving #thrive #thriveexperience #ownyourlife #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Gratitude changed the very course of my physiology. Where once the world was an overwhelming place, now, I am able to see it with childlike eyes. There is no fear in gratitude; no worry or anger. Life has afforded me breath, allowing me to survive the horror of my childhood, and I am exceedingly grateful. • Check out my gratitude journal “Becoming Gratitude”, through the link in my profile. Watch the short video to view the pages. If you do this course once, with consistency, in five weeks, you will feel differently. I guarantee. You can try if for just thirteen... dollars. 🤓 #grateful #gratitude #gratitudejournal #gratitudenpositivo #gratitude🙏 #sensoryplay #sensoryintegration #feeling #reprogram #mindscience #cptsd #anxiety #anxietyrelief #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #brain_waves #mindfulness #thankful #youareworthy #youareworthit #dothework #trainyourbrain #thrive #thriver #survivor #survivorculture #cultsurvivors #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

I wondered who I was, the woman in the glass staring back. I wrote out her past, where she traveled; what she survived. I watched her grow whole and bloom. She is hope and forward movement, gold dust and fanciful delight. She has not forgotten who she was born to be. She is me. 💫 #selfportrait #readersofinstagram #beingme #unapologeticallyme #healingme #healing #innerchildhealing #soulsearching #empoweredwomen #empowered #freetobeme #foundmyself #lovingme #selflove #selfworth #thethrivingfactor #thriver #thriverssociety #personalgrowth #innergrowth #becomingbetter #soulgrowth #otherkin #empath #empaths #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

By 12 years old I was trained to survive in the woods should the communists invade or the end of the world arrive. • Read more about my childhood growing up in Sam Fife’s Move of God cult in my memoir “Cult Child”, available through the link in my profile. • #cultchild #cults #cultsurvivor #cultsurvivors #childabuse #cultawareness #childabuseawareness #exvangelical #exvangelicals #socialism #religiousabuse #authorsofinstagram #authormemes #authorlife #readersofinstagram #truestory #reallife #emptythepews #rifle #guns #bookquote #bookquotes #cultkids #samfife #samfifesmoveofgod #memoir #storyofmylife #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

She is always ready, simmering, watching and protecting the girl inside the girl. Careful. • Trained in tactical mind defense. She holds your secrets like weapons. You will remember, when the bomb drops, because you fucked up when you chose to open that door. You’re in the unknown. That drives you crazy. Is it clear or is it hazy? • There’s a side of her few see. She will bring a reckoning, a cosmic energy of truth, and it will crush you. You seek to win? Go within. Spread out your intestines and count the sins. • You have projected. It’s pathetic. You play innocent while she organizes the proof, the kind which will ruin you. Step lightly up to this battle. It will not be one of blood or wounds. It will be Her unveiling you. • #truthalwayswins #truthwins #exposed #youarebroken #youcantwin #iamastorm #iamthestorm #wearethestorm #trauma #traumarecovery #winning #winningseason #protectthechildren #stalking #childabuse #narcissism #warriorup #bestrong #fightback #readersofinstagram #mentalhealthawareness #iamstrong #iampowerful #writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #iamabadass #survivorvoices #survivorculture #venniekocsis

Silence has many faces that others are constantly trying to interpret. Yet, often silence is just silence. • My favorite people to be around are those who understand the comfort of silence and accept it. Humans have this need to fill the silent spaces with senseless chatter, because silence makes them uneasy. • I have watched the shifting body language of someone trying to read my silence, or the question comes. “Did I do something?” Stop doing that to yourself. Some humans just appreciate and even need periods of silence. • Try flipping your view to a respectful one. If someone is being silent, try being mindful that they may be in a need for that silence. Learn to sit with it and allow it, instead of pulling the silence apart into strained strands. • In the silence of your own being, you will hear the whispers of your DNA. You can separate out the chatter, push it away, and listen to your inner voice. There is brilliance inside of you. It’s waiting for you to sit in silence with yourself and smooth it all out, absorbing your own truth and becoming all that you are. • Pick up your copy of my poetry book “Dusted Shelves” by clicking the link in my profile. There’s a spoken word version as well, a treat with background affects and more! • #silence #silencemustbeheard #poetry #poet #poetrycommunity #poetryporn #poetryofinstagram #poetrybooks #poetryislife #poetsinautumn #poetsofinstagram #poets #poetic #poetics #poeticsoul #poeticsouls #tacomawa #tacomapoet #pnwpoet #pnwpoets #writer #writersofinstagram #readersofinstagram #relationships #mindfulness #silencequotes #dustedshelves #survivorvoices #survivortough #venniekocsis

Let yourself emerge. Burst from the encasement of that smothering and restricting cocoon. You’ll be home soon, to that soft space behind the moon. 🌚 🌙 🌝 #wednesdaymood #breakfree #youarethechange #bethechange #breakfree #youareenough #acceptyourself #beyourself #stillyourmind #butterfly #wildchild #empath #empaths #wednesdaywisdom #wednesday #keeptalkingmh #youarefree #youarestrong #believeinyourself #thriver #thethrivingfactor #writer #writerscommunity #bethelove #survivorculture #survivortough #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Still Standing. Always will be. 💫 #baddass #tattooedtyrant #iamastorm #unbreakable #angelsarehuman #angels #searchyoursoul #calmyourself #remembertobreathe #beagoodperson #youcanchange #chooseit #ibelieveinyou #behappy #begrateful #healyourself #ownyourshit #acknowledge #accountability #healing #bethechange #letgo #startnew #survivorvoices #survivorculture #venniekocsis

To be a warrior one must learn to wait silently in the shadows. We must gather our quiet into the arching pull back of our bow. We must watch. We must observe. We must not fall into senses of time. To be a warrior one must paint themselves into the colors of their own vulnerability, disallowing shame or the blaming of victims. We gather information, build dossiers, leaving factually scribed scrolls of truth in secret rooms. The warrior is not quick to reaction, but instead, a steady pace of actions well thought out and enacted. To be a warrior one must survive and stay alive inside the turmoil of human bile. We see the thing for what it is, do not let our minds live inside of unrealistic expectations. We gain evidence from behaviors. To be a warrior, sometimes we must say goodbye. ⚔️ #mentalhealthawareness #keeptalkingmh #warrior #warriors #fightback #warrioress #warrioressence #writersofinstagram #writer #authorsofinstagram #author #comingforyou #comingforyounext #standup #bestrong #noworry #worrynomore #youfuckedup #karmaisabitch #fighter #imnotdoneyet #wronggirl #survivortough #survivorculture #survivorvoices #readersofinstagram #venniekocsis

Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t. Yes, you can. You can do what you want, make your own path and carve your own road in this life. • When I was a child, I was never afforded choices. This soaked into my mentality as I grew up, making me believe myself to be limited because of my past trauma. • That was a big ole lie. Those days are gone. I embrace my freedom of choice. I rejoice in my clear mind. My boundaries are set in stone and unbending. I found my way home. It is a beautiful castle filled with the finery of who I have become. • #hope #writer #writersofinstagram #positivity #positivityiskey #thursdaymotivation #thursdaythoughts #beyourself #beauthentic #beauthenticallyyou #freedomofchoice #freedomofmind #freemind #taketheday #seizethemoment #seizetheday #writerscommunity #writerslife #amwriting #takeitslow #selfcare #selflove #sayno #sayyes #choiceisyours #survivorculture #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

If I want the moon I will call her to me. “Moon Warrior”, an acrylic on canvas piece. #artistsoninstagram #artist #artwork #warrior #swordartonline #sword #moon #moonbaby #moonlover #youarestrong #youarestrongerthanyouthink #youarestrongenough #youarestrongerthanyouknow #acrylicpainting #painting #strength #innerstrength #belove #righteous #survivorvoices #survivorculture #venniekocsis

I tried to love my mother. She wouldn’t let me fully bond. Ever. From my birth I do not recall feeling a strand connection with her. She loved my sons, and for that, I do appreciate her. They deserved to have their grandmother’s love. I know she loved them. They were redemption for her failures as a mother. I get it. I understand now that I’m a grandmother. • Yet, the love a child is supposed to feel for a parent is flat in that inside space in me. Maybe it’s because she has passed on. Maybe I haven’t quite reached the space where my inner child can find our connection. • Maybe it is because she never owned her shit. She remained sanctimonious, blaming and in denial until the day she died. She left my siblings and I with a plethora of unanswered questions. If you are a child whose parent will openly take accountability and talk to you, ask the questions now. If you don’t, you will regret it when they’re gone. • So I took matters into my own hands and began the journey to retrieve memory and information from my own brain and body. There will always be a hole where her denial lives. It’s an open cave I swim through to arrive where I can examine the pages of my subconscious. • I tried to love my mother, to bond and understand her. She never let any of her children that close. So I live with the acceptance that she was broken and never healed. I hope she is healing now, wherever her soul is floating. I hope she is resting and learning to love herself. • #motherlessdaughters #motherless #mother #motherhood #keeptalkingmh #writingtherapy #writingistherapy #innerchild #narcissisticmother #narcissisticabuse #narcissists #selfforgiveness #lettingitout #release #keepgoing #ptsd #cptsd #cptsdrecovery #blog #sharinglife #emotions #writerscommunity #writersonig #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Remember to play. Remember to be carefree. Life is a journey. 💫💫💫💫💫💫💫#selflove #selfcare #play #remembertoplay #carefree #oceanside #lovelife #lovinglife #positivity #positivityiskey #positivityisachoice #findyourjoy #innerchild #innerchildwork #innerchildhealing #mentalhealth #keeptalkingmh #survivorvoices #survivorculture #survivorsquad #thethrivingfactor #venniekocsis

Imagine being a tree. You’ve lived for centuries. You have withstood so many storms, yet still you call the Earth your home. Be a tree. 🌲 🌳 • #trees #bestrong #strengthquotes #youarestrong #youarestrongerthanyouthink #beatree #youcandoit #healing #mentalhealth #staystrong #loveyou #survivorvoices #venniekocsis

Know your worth. That is where your #boundaries begin and end. 💫 #mentalhealth #boundarysetting #selfworth #selfworthquotes #selfworthquotesforme #selfcare #loveyourself #loveyourselfquotes #quoteoftheday #youareenough #youareworthy #standstrong #mondaymotivation #mondaymotivationalquote #venniekocsis #survivorvoices

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